fate

i think this should make a really good research topic.
but it's not science.
it's hard, if not impossible to measure, to compare, to make hypothesis, to validate to test the realiabilty so on and so forth.
i might use meta analysis, but that could drive you nuts becauce u will then have no idea of what am i trying to say.
....
sometimes, i feel that when it's not meant to be then it's not.
i think i'm a creepy creature.
i am made up of money. but seriously, without money, how can one survive right.
even if you wanted to plant vege or feed chicken on your own, you would need money to buy soil, to buy fertiliser and so on right.
now i gotta admit i calculate too much. i'm too calculative, and i'm too busybody.
it's so hard to live a happy life like me.
by chance, i visited a blog of an old friend of mine, we lost contact for years, and we are no longer friends.
and her bf treated her very well i would say.
sometimes i would think, becasue i have the strong urge to see beautiful things
and i can't be with someone whom i do not like their physical appearance... i lost chances.
i let go some guys that i might love to spend my whole life with.
i got togehter wth my current bf becasue i adore his face. i'm serious, i even thick skin enough to be friended him when he had a gf back then.
sigh.
i duno, i believe in karma one.
i love new experience, i love surprises i love to try out new things and i like people who are innovative and have vision for future.
i duno how come i never met any friends that could become my BFF..
i started to think it's my problem.
no one is perfect i know.
but i believe that some people could just click so well that they can become BFF
when they have arguements they could talk about it not feeling offensive and defensive.
i am so tired in maintaining friendship.
because i feel that when i disclose too much, people tend to step over the boundary
they do not self-reflect. and i hate that feeling.
i begin to dislike them.
because i think they are wrong and i know they can't take opinion.
they would cry and say i'm mean.
that's how i would feel after sometime when i got really close with someone.
thinking back i really didn't have much close girl friends.
i'm sucha failure.
or my perception is wrong....
close friends don't need to disclose that much to each other
i don't know.
i'm so contradicting i'm afraid i'm gonna be crazy someday.
this is a free flow writing so i'm not thinking appropriately, so do not feel offensive i'm not talking about anyone, i'm jz talking about myself.
and seriously, i love the feeling of being pampered too.